How Facing My Own Death Taught Me the Power of Surrender

Originally shared on LinkedIn in late 2024, now updated with reflections months later.

The Moment Everything Stopped

I didn’t go to my second Ayahuasca retreat looking for a dramatic experience. I went looking for one thing: clarity.

I’d been wrestling with questions about purpose, work, and where my energy should go. I felt I couldn’t keep moving forward without a deeper sense of direction. My hope was simple — that the retreat would offer answers.

What I didn’t expect was that it would offer me something far more powerful… and it would do so in a way I could never have imagined.

The message was simple: Surrender. Breathe.

Letting Go of Control

On the first night, I noticed myself analysing everything — the venue, the music, the visions. Why isn’t this like the last retreat? Why am I not seeing the answers I need?

The more I tried to control the experience, the heavier it became. My visions dimmed. The energy felt darker.

Then, quietly, came the word: surrender.

In that moment, I let go of my expectations. I stopped comparing. I allowed the night to unfold exactly as it wanted to. Instantly, the colours brightened, the music deepened, and I was pulled into a journey that felt alive and peaceful.

The moment you stop trying to control everything, life opens up in ways you couldn’t have planned.

Creation Over Reaction

The next day brought a San Pedro workshop and a Changa ceremony. From these came a second insight: we are always either reacting or creating.

Reacting is replaying old patterns. Creating is choosing something new — even when it’s uncomfortable.

In that space, I saw how much of life can be shaped moment-by-moment, simply by choosing creation over reaction.

The Night I Thought I Was Dying

On the second night, after drinking Ayahuasca again, something unexpected happened. My breathing slowed… then faltered. In a surreal moment, I forgot how to breathe.

Sound, vision, and even the presence of other people faded away. Time stopped. A vast, silent void surrounded me.

I knew — with absolute certainty — that I was dying.

Thoughts of my wife, my children, my family flooded in. I felt sadness at not saying goodbye. And then came an eerie stillness.

This wasn’t a metaphor. I truly believed it was the end of my life.

A Second Chance

Through the darkness, I heard gentle voices — Angy-Lee and Paul, our facilitators. They guided me outside. I took a deep breath of fresh night air… and realised I was still here.

That first breath felt like a gift.

And then came the realisation: this wasn’t just a second chance at life — it was an invitation to start fresh in every moment.

You don’t need to nearly die to change your life. We can all choose to step into a new chapter right now.

Months Later: How the Lesson Lives On

It’s been many months since that retreat. The words surrender and breathe continue to find me — in breathwork sessions, in meditation, in conversations, even in unexpected places like YouTube videos or my Kabbalah studies.

I’ve committed to daily breathwork, and it’s become a steady anchor in my life. Surrender has become my compass.

Business hasn’t suddenly become easy. Blue Beetle and Redro still face challenges. In the past, I would have lost sleep, over-analysed, and tried to force solutions. Now, I choose trust over panic. I do my best, follow my intuition, and let go of the outcome.

And every time anxiety or control tries to take the wheel, I remember: Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving over — to the flow of life, to trust, to what is.

Your Turn

Where in your life could you replace control with surrender? What would happen if you stopped forcing and started trusting?

Every day is a chance to start again.
Every breath is an invitation to live differently.

Thank you to Angy-Lee, Gina, Paul, and everyone at Our Heart Centre for guiding me through what I can only describe as a rebirth.